First off, I’d like to say that I wish to win nothing. I’d just like to join the writing part, nothing more. Second, I’ll probably end up making more than just a paragraph, as I like to write, and with the fact that there’s a lot I would like to say. So, I suppose I’ll just get right into it..
A lot has happened this year, not one of my best years… But some good things have come out of it. Despite that I did recently lose myself, and who I am.. That I became this person that I’m not happy with, I’ve managed to learn. I learn from my wrongs, from my mistakes. From hurting others, I wish to never hurt. I know this post is supposed to be about, accomplishments or something…. But, I don’t really think this will fit that topic, I’ll try though. I got a job. Made friends. Lost friends. Resigned from Admin. Became an Admin again. Personal life troubles. Not much right? Seems like it.. I haven’t really done much of anything honestly.. But I think the one thing I have done, which I’m still currently trying to do, is to accept myself. I know it may not seem like an accomplishment to you guys, but from someone who suffers horribly from self-esteem, self-conscious issues, it’s a huge thing for me.
For years, ever since I was younger actually, I hated myself. Mainly based on my physical appearance. Why? Because of all the things people have said to me, and about me. I eventually got myself to believe those hurtful things. It’s why I try so hard to be like the “models” or those “popular and pretty girls” at school. Because I just want to be perfect. But I’m honestly the farthest thing from perfect.. I can sit with you, with anyone for hours, and literally point out every single thing about myself. Things that I find to be “flaws” such as my teeth not being perfectly white and super straight. Or the fact that my big toe on both feet, is smaller than the rest of my toes. How pale I am, along with how skinny I am. How my veins are so visible and pop out. My nose. My ears. My body in general. I’m skinny, and I want to be thicker. I’m too pale and I want to be tanner. I want normal looking feet and toes. I want perfect teeth. I want a pretty baby face. I don’t ever wear makeup. I don’t like to match. I’m basically myself… But I can’t ever accept me, for me. I want to be like other girls, all because of the stupid things I ended up believing. I don’t even have any self-love. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. None of this is even planned out, I’m honestly just writing this as it goes. But what I’m trying to say is, I’m slowly, very slowly trying to learn to love and accept myself for how I am NOW. To learn and understand that my flaws ARE what make me PERFECT. That I shouldn’t and don’t need to change, just because of the fear I have. The fear of being judged by others, because for the longest time other’s opinions about my looks, about me… Is what mattered the most to me. So, I took all those negative things, and kept playing them over and over. Because of course, I thought those things were true. I’m 21 now. I shouldn’t be giving a damn about what strangers think about me.. Because it shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have to continue to fear that my close friends will judge me and leave me. It’s just this horrible obsession I have over it. And I honestly want to overcome it so badly. I’m perfect the way I am, and that’s what matters the most. I’m not here to please anyone but myself. If they wish to talk about me, and judge the book by its cover, so be it. Because it isn’t my problem. With that being said, I hope to be able to actually accomplish that in the following year.
Another thing I’d like to somewhat mention, is working on myself. Getting the Peachie back, that you all have come to know and love. I’ve been trying so hard, even working on fixing up friendships I lost. Getting back in touch with you guys… And I would hope that you’ve at least seen some tiny progress at least? You’re my second family, and I really don’t want to stray away from any of you again. And with those of you who’ve stayed by my side, I truly thank you so much. I know I may not be the greatest friend sometimes, but I’m glad you put up with me and stay with me. I’m not only doing all these things for you guys, but also and mainly for myself too.
I hope everyone has a wonderful New Years, and are able to reach their goals. I’m so very proud of all of you, Momma Peach loves all of her children. <3