I want to firstly apologize to Hades. All of my feedback and posts have been emotionally charged. I don't agree with your lifestyle, but it's not right for me to insult you. I am deeply sorry. I am also sorry to anyone else who was offended by my insult towards Hades, primarily Shh 3301.
I am sorry to Sipow, you're not a tool. I'm sorry to Psykotik, you do respect people. I am sorry to Spykotik, she has been nice to me. I'm sorry to BloodRain, you listen to people better than I can and you're just cautious and calculated. I'm sorry to Death, I don't know what you do with any of your spare time or what you do with your money outside of SwapShop. I'm sorry to Lunarium, you're integrity and mindset isn't on popularity and you do have wise insights. Nukebirb isn't a kiss-up, he's an upstanding new admin.
Nothing was rational in my posts; I've been going off of emotion in my posts and I've been having emotional outbursts. Sipow is right. I wanted to become an admin by doing good stuff, not by applying. None of that worked out because I can't make good decisions. I don't really disagree with the admin application system. It makes perfect sense. Same goes with the admin quiz. I'll admit that I only "disagreed" with it to hopefully have an ear that would remove it.
My home life is unhealthy.
My father has complex regional pain syndrome. It's nicknamed, "Suicide's Disease." He's had it in his left foot for more than eight years; and through a surgery on his spinal cord, the pain spread through his entire body. My father was never a man with suicidal thoughts but he once told me that when they had placed a nerve simulator in his back and "flipped the switch" he screamed, "where's the gun" while clinging onto a poll. My mother was in tears.
He doesn't get any sleep at night because the pain keeps him up. The pain also occasionally gets into his eyes and he says it's like someone's forcing a screw driver into his eyeball. He can't communicate; he takes heavy narcotics; he can't think clearly; he drives even though it's extremely unsafe for him to drive; can't be there for me emotionally. Every time he has tried to bond with me it's only been on the surface because he doesn't have the energy to love me. Our family knows that he's had anxiety issues but he's too prideful to admit it due to his aunt's influence on him.
We have a lift for him in our house and every time I come home from school I'm reminded of his illness and our surface level relationship. The only thing that almost feels real is when I drive him out to get a bite to eat with me at a restaurant. Even then, I know it's not real.
My sister has had a bunch of mental health issues since seventh grade. She has developed postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, depression, anxiety, insomnia, anorexia, some kind of mood disorder, maybe a few other things I'm blocking out of my mind, and views which conflict with the family's overall perspective. She's currently twenty-one, living in our small house, employed, and vocal for the first time.
My mother has strove to keep our family together and she has been emotionally and physically working to help our family in any way possible. She and I have been close and she recently just told me that she was taking an antidepressant for years. My mother and I have been seeing a counselor now for quite some time.
My uncle, who has been a major influence in my life, has prostate cancer and we have been occasionally talking from time to time. I'm worried about him.
I have one thing in my life that's keeping me optimistic. I have been accepted into a college in South Dakota and I want to essentially hack for a living. They're offering a program supported by the National Security Agency and a guaranteed government job with the agency. I have to go through a terrible high school if I want to gain some scholarship money. I have recently increased my poor ACT score by four points and I'm working at least stay focused on my school work to get a GPA above 3.0 for some money.
It's a light at the end of a tunnel but it feels difficult to get there when you stop seeing the light. Everyone in my school is extraordinarily exclusive and athletic. I'm obviously not an athletic person. Most of the people don't want anything to do with me. It's weird to hang out with teachers and talk about whatever I can think up, even if it's home stuff. I can't tell if some of them really want to talk to me. Sufficed to say, most of the kids at my school seem like idiots. I've only been able to make some social outlet through the Chess Club I'm trying to revitalize. That's going pretty well...
Most of the course work is dull and mostly void of anything technological. The school is still in this transition between the 20th century and the 21st century. Most of the curricular they offer is basically all humanities. I had to drop AP Calculus because I just didn't have the mental focus. I also don't really have much motivation to do the work they ask me to do. I fixate too much on the negatives and my life at home. I put too much effort and emotional energy into what I tried to do on the forums and it ate up my sleep and performance. I just generally can't sleep well too. I had to drop the AP Calc final from last semester and I feel pretty bad about that. I know I'll be able to keep my GPA above a 3.0 and I'm technically auditing the class. In addition, turned all of my other finals in late because of an emotional, a sleep, and a homework meltdown. It was also around the time I retook the ACT. I was tutored prior to the test and that cut out some work time so I got pessimistic and ill-motivated with homework.
If I keep writing, then I'll be here forever. This is everything I'm comfortable sharing with you guys.
