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Author Topic: One hell of a joke. (Long)  (Read 1186 times)

Offline meatbone

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One hell of a joke. (Long)
« on: May 20, 2016, 11:43:43 AM »
Mallory and Mark Kensington were two star struck lovers who had been married for 12 years. Mallory was a commercial airline pilot and Mark was the captain of a nuclear submarine. They were both very responsible with their money, lived simply, had no children, and no vices. The only exception to their frugality was their dog Max whom they doted on at every possible occasion. Unfortunately for Max, fate had terrible plans in store for him. One dark August day, Mallory and Mark were both at their respective jobs and in a cruel twist of fate suffered major mechanical failures at the same time. In a million to one oddity, they both perished in the astonishing first-of-its-kind airplane/submarine accident.

The funeral was a simple affair, but it was the reading of the will that shocked the attendees; everything they owned had been left to Max. The Kensington family was understandably upset about this, and within a few months time, the lawyers had finagled their way through to screwing Max over with little thought to his feelings. Shortly thereafter, unloved, unwanted, and alone… Max had been cast out onto the streets of New York penniless. As you can imagine, this was a real hardship for Max.

Max, destitute, wandered for weeks before he finally settled down on the corner of 5th and Main. He found a “comfortable” cardboard box to live in, and his friend Hobo Jones was relatively sane. Now for Max, this whole new life was a real hardship, and difficult to adjust to but… he persevered. A few months later, while talking to Hobo Jones, he learned that there was a dog show in town. While an unattended dog at a show may be slightly unusual, Max thought it just might be possible for him to improve his lot in life… there was a cash prize!

At the dog show, Max was suitably impressive. He had bathed in the local gutter with Hobo Jones’ help, and positively glowed with a hint of the radiance that he once had under the care of the Kensingtons. The judges muttered among themselves every time they saw him and to a man they decided to award Max first place. Ecstatic, Max approached the judges’ panel. Unfortunately, dog show judges aren’t the most scrupulous of people, and they kept the money, only giving Max his trophy. What dog can complain about being cheated? Faced with yet another hardship, Max lugged his trophy home, whilst the judges had a wild night on the town with the cash that was supposed to go to the winner.

Hobo Jones comforted Max when he got back. “Max, it’s OK. I know you got screwed, but hey you got this really neat trophy and at least you’re qualified for the city-wide dog show! Maybe the judges will be better there, and you can really move up.”

Max considered this good advice, and while his hardships seemed overwhelming at times, Hobo Jones had made a fair point. For the next month, Max trained himself like never before. He exercised regularly, worked his fur into a grand sheen, and all around just persevered. The day of the city-wide show came around and he was excited. He trotted down to the performance hall, and quickly impressed everyone in attendance. By time the second round of judging had occurred, he was considered a favorite to win, and by the final round of judging, he was the clear victor. Ecstatic, he rushed to claim his prize.

I don’t wish to dishearten you or cast a pallor on the integrity of dog show judges everywhere but… Max was just cursed by hardships. The judges at this particular show were, if anything, more corrupt than the previous judges. Max received his trophy, and accolades rang from all but the cash was sadly lacking. These judges liked Vegas more than they liked dogs, and the prize money that no human could claim would get them there in style. Max, heartbroken, trudged home through the pouring rain dragging his (rather large) trophy behind him.

To the rescue came Hobo Jones. Max’s distressed demeanor was lightened by his antics and encouragement. After all, it was true that he had qualified for the state championships. Besides, Max was practically creating a name for himself in the dog show world… two overwhelming victories with no owner? Almost preposterous! So, that night, Max curled up around his two trophies and considered that maybe his hardships were coming to an end. He wagged his tail a bit before he fell asleep.

This same sorry state of affairs continued for Max through State, Regional and even the National dog show. When Max had just won the national dog show, he should have been living the good life, the $10,000 prize would have bought him quite a bit of comfort. Unfortunately, plagued by hardships and corrupt judges, Max had nothing but his five trophies to keep him warm at night. With a frustrated shake of his head, Max decided to simply focus on how he would get to the international dog show in Paris at the end of the year. He decided to see if he could get passage on a ship.

After spending an entire day begging every captain he met on the pier to take him along, Max was beginning to despair. Nobody seemed to want a dog underfoot, regardless of how useful he may be. Luckily though, he decided to try one last ship. It was an old thing, and looked like it had come straight out of a story book. It was a ship that had clearly seen better days, and was in fact astonishing for it’s incongruity amongst other more modern ships… it even had sails! Max trotted up to the grizzled old sea captain and bade him good afternoon. Astonishingly, Max’s luck seemed to take a turn right away for the captain immediately lit up and started chatting like they had been old friends his whole life. Within an hour, Max had secured passage to Paris (provided he work during transit) and had found a new friend.

The following morning, Max took his leave of Hobo Jones and boarded the ship. For many months they sailed and had many grand adventures, but this story is not about those. Suffice it to say that the captain and Max grew very fond of one another, and they shared many stories of hardships that each at faced. When they finally reached Paris, the captain promised to wait for Max, and wished him good luck at the show.

This was it! The international dog show that Max had been preparing for for so many months. He strutted in confidently and was greeted with uproarious applause… he was practically famous now! The dog with no owner, the champion extraordinaire. Round after round of judging, dog after dog was eliminated. Finally, it came down to just two dogs, Max and another Yorkshire named Augustus Winthrop the Third. The judges whispered amongst themselves for an eternity.

As you well know, the prize for the international dog show is nothing to sneeze at. It well exceeds thousands of pounds, and could set all of Max’s hardships aside for the duration of his life. Unfortunately, human greed being what it is and Max’s lack of human company being what it was… he never had a chance. With yet another cruel laugh from the fates, the judges awarded Max the title of champion dog, the trophy, the accolades, and… not the money. Max faced with yet another hardship, lugged the huge trophy back to the ship, and sadly went to his bunk. Tired out, and depressed, he promptly fell asleep. The captain, knowing what had occurred the moment he saw Max arrive, decided to leave immediately and cursed the judges heartily as they sailed out of port.

Several hours later, a freak storm blew up. Sailors were cursing, the captain was wide-eyed with stress, and Max was awoken by the noise. He scampered to deck just in time to notice a sailor caught in the rigging trying to bring down one of the sails. Without pausing a moment to think, Max bounded up the rigging and immediately helped the sailor free, chewing through the ropes that had ensnared him. He let the sailor down first and was about to follow suit when a sudden wave rocked the ship violently and the worst happened. Max lost his grip.

Max fell.

Max hit the deck.

Max didn’t move.

In one of those weird little moments of life, the sudden fury of the world paused. The sailors all gasped, shocked. The captain turned his eyes towards Max. Nobody moved. Nothing moved. They all prayed silently for the poor dog, hoping against hope that he would rise once more. The spell was broken by the first mate who took a step forward, then another, another… tears were appearing in his eyes. Then, miracle of miracles… Max got up. He was fine! The sailors all cheered, shouting for joy. The first mate, astonished, turned to the captain and said,

“Captain, how could Max survive a fall like that?”

“Don’t you know?” said the captain, unsurprised in the least, “he was used to hard ships.”
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Offline Psy

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Re: One hell of a joke. (Long)
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 11:46:50 AM »
Too long to read. I skipped the middle paragraphs. :/ I still got the joke though. :P
AFK like JFK