With the life I grew up with... I'm 21 and still waiting for my father to kill me, like he keeps saying he would. At a very young age, before I was even born, I've cheated death. You can only cheat so many times, before you finally get caught. Before Psy, I used to be this very depressed person. Often thinking about suicide.. Trying to plan it out in my head, how it would be, what I'd do to take my own life. I've always wanted to die in my sleep.. And at one point, a year or so ago, I almost actually went through with the thought. But I didn't do it. Do I still want to die? Yes and no. Yea, because I'm still this negative and depressing person. I know for a fact that there's things wrong with me, and I also know I'll never get the help for them. Because my parents don't believe in it, and just tell me there's nothing wrong, it doesn't exist or that it's all just in my head, and that I'll be fine. I often get in these depressed moods, that can last for a few days or a week+. I'll put myself down and punish myself, by not eating or drinking anything. I don't do it for attention, it's just a very bad habit of mine, that started when I was around 13 or so. I feel that I don't deserve it, and so I punish myself for being stupid. For being worthless and useless. I often ask out loud, if I can just die now. Hoping some freak accident happens to me. That I fall down the stairs somehow, hit my head and die. Break my neck. Anything to just make the pain and suffering go away. Just a few months ago, I was thinking about"falling" off the steps outside, and hoping my head would hit the concrete.. But I didn't do it. There's many things to this yes side.. But it's also no, because I've met such a wonderful person. I have close friends I can call my family. They all understand me and know what I've been through. I couldn't abandon them like that, because I'm selfish... Sure I'd end my suffering... But I'd only be adding to theirs. Psy is honestly the ONE person, who saved me... Because of him, I'm not as depressed anymore. I don't think about suicide as much, or starve myself for too long. I feel as if life slowly came back to me. The happiness, the joy. Believing and having hope. Being positive, which is something very rare for me, believe it or not... Psy is truly my life saver... Now does this I don't want to die anymore? Obviously, because I want to be able to have my future with him. To get to meet all my close friends. But I also can't stop the things that life has already planned out... I could be here right now.. But not tomorrow. It can happen with any of us... We could all be here, awake and happy. Having a good day. Go to bed and wake up tomorrow, only to end up dead at some point during the day or night. I tend to think about things like that, a lot. And it makes me realize so much... If I'm here today, but die tomorrow... All the broken friendships, the apologies.. All the things that never got to be fixed yet, would still be there.. And I wouldn't be. I wouldn't get to say that I'm sorry. I wouldn't get to try to fix anything. I wouldn't get to say how much I loved Psy, or how much I love and appreciate my friends. All the last memories they'd be left with that day/night... Would be hurtful ones, because of a fight or something argument... I could only imagine how that'd make them feel... That's why I try to apologize as soon as possible, because I don't want that to happen. Your time on this place can only last for so long, before it's your time to go... I'm still welcoming in open arms, but I'm hoping he lets me enjoy this happiness first.. To get to experience all this things I've been waiting for, been wanting.. And when I do finally die, I want it to be in the arms of my husband... So that I can die happily and comfortable, knowing I was cherished and loved.. And that I'll always be watching over him and our family..
TLDR; Yes I want to die when I'm horribly depressed. No I don't want to die, because I feel my life is finally getting better. I also wouldn't really have people be sad if I did die, since all the people I'm closest to, wouldn't know.. I honestly don't think I'd be remembered for anything..
