So, it's already been a year since I've been banned from !shop. Precisely when, I can't remember. But I know it was August. Precisely why, I can't tell either. Now before you write me off as "a person who still doesn't acknowledge what they've done wrong", let me clarify what I mean. It's actually because I was doing 2 things at once during that time. I was both exploiting the "win credits" system to farm credits, as well as suggesting (mostly to myself in a joking manner) that I could bypass my !donate ban by giving someone else keys etc and then have them gift the credits back to me. But judging as how I have seen other people do the former a lot and not suffer consequences, I am guessing that would be the latter.
I've also already tried appealing in December (January?) by explaining why I was just jokingly suggesting it by pointing out the various reasons why it wouldn't work, which ended up getting denied. So I'm not even going to do that this time. It's time to just be honest, and simply put my thoughts across.
Where should I start? Hm, I'll first address Gawain's comment on myself last time around. You told me "I have repeatedly tried to game the system". That, I do not deny. Not at all. I am very much a person who dislikes authority figures, especially ones that haven't proven themselves to be worthy of the position, and gained my respect yet. I am always trying to find loopholes around rules, because I regard rules as too rigid to suit a reality which is always changing. Maybe that sounds a little confusing; but to put it into a translated idiom of my mother tongue: "Rules are dead. They can't change by themselves. Only People will." I hate blindly following regulations, especially when the reason is "because I said so". Therefore I see it a challenge to game the system. You were, and still are right. But in my opinion, everyone does that. Who likes blindly obeying authority without rationality? Who wouldn't exploit a loophole they found in the system? Lets say hypothetically, you found a way to pay 90% less tax, and it was not against any existing laws; it was just in a grey area of the law that hadn't been patched yet. If you can find me one person, including yourself, who wouldn't immediately use that to their advantage, then you can disprove me. Call me cynical if you want. But I think this way of thinking is just being realistic and not lying to myself.
My point is, it's just human nature to try gaming the system. And if you think anyone can be a goodie-little two-shoes and report a loophole that could be advantageous to themselves, you're lying to yourself. And I know that I absolutely hate lying to myself. Better to be cynical but real than optimistic but delusional.
There's also a reason I waited until a year before appealing. Half of it is because, yes it gives off a feeling that I've served my sentence and should be released from custody. But arguably the more important half lies within myself. I have felt myself grown in this past year. How? Let's just say a combination of dealing with some tough decisions in life, as well as a myriad of very emotional and thought-provoking films. These combined have made me reconsider a lot of things in life, a lot of which I took for granted. I now care less for material things that will only fuel a desire for more. As evidence, I made a decision to be more financially responsible, saving the money I earn rather than spending it on this game. I sold off my golden pan and put it in a bank account to gather interest as well. I never know when I might desperately need that money to save my skin someday. I also value communication a lot more, and see the power of expressing thoughts. These probably don't mean shit to you, I know. But that's my point, I just want to be honest about my feelings here. The me a year ago wouldn't be writing this. Perhaps I might even say that I value me writing this, and just putting myself out there, more than I care about getting back access to stupid !shop items in a server which no one is on anymore. I am also aware that right now I probably sound pretentious like "Wow look at me I'm so mature now! I'm better than everyone!" I assure you I know that I'm not even close to finished growing as a person, most likely will never stop either. Isn't that the point of life?
And in case Psy is reading this right now, yo. I truly did mean what I said to you back then. As I've told you, I hate lying to myself. When I first got banned a year ago, I really did feel nothing but relief. I thought I'd feel angry, frustrated, even tried to feel so. But I just couldn't. I was simply relieved. There would be no more pointless squabbles for credits that had no limit, simply just an endless cycle of yearning for more to hoard, even when I spent them, I didn't feel satisfaction. Just a desire to get back what I just spent. The absence of choice (having no say in whether I could use !shop or not) was tough but freeing. And that was why I only felt relief at that time. And since I'm spilling the beans here, I might as well also tell you the only reason I hoarded credits was to feel a sense of power. Standing a corner watching the server, and to explode into chaos should anyone kill me, made me feel silent but deadly. And I liked it. Well, being stripped of my power for a year made me realise how utterly foolish that feeling was. I was never the top of the food chain. I was always only trying to get more more more credits, that was it. (besides, even 1 billion credits can't do shit against you lol, what with your invincibility and admin abuse. a mere member cannot hope to be the top of the food chain anyways) Now that I know this, if I do end up getting back !shop, it will only be to spend on items that I genuinely think are funny, not things to crush my enemies. I want you to realise the weight behind this promise. I rarely make promises to anyone. I hate having to fulfill obligations, so I avoid tethering myself to them on my own as much as I can.
By this point you're probably thinking "This idiot didn't even apologise for anything. They just talked a lot about nothing of relevance while packaging it as an appeal." And you'd be completely correct. I've said it a million times and I'll say it again: I hate lying, especially to myself. I could go around making empty promises and lie about how I've learnt my lesson and oh I'm so sorry and blah blah blah. But I value sticking to my moral code and my philosophies more than I care about getting access to !shop again. As long as I've stayed true and been honest to both myself and others, that's all I need to sleep soundly at night. Besides, no offense, but your servers are pretty much dead. Getting !shop would add benefit to myself very little, much less than it benefits me right now by writing something honestly and getting a load off my chest.
So that's it for my dissertation about everything but an actual appeal. Do with me what you will. Deny this appeal, accept it, permaban me from Swapshop forever, I will accept it all. The one thing I ask of you, whomever you may be, is to just take what I said up there seriously. It means a lot to me to speak my heart.
