I woke up, late tonight. An hour at least from when I told Gerbil and Psy I would sleep. I woke up to a panic attack that left me balling my eyes out confused.
I am scared of losing my mother, the only thing I have other than a GF and 2 irl friends. I see it coming from a mile away considering a current infection she has near her breast left some doctors thinking she has a great chance of having breast cancer. Late stage that is. Growing up with a single mom was pretty cool, so losing her would probably mentally toss me over the edge. The only other closest person I had is dying of cancer as I type this. I am going to seem him soon. My grandmother, who is just as close as my mother is slipping down the road of Alzheimer's. She will call me 3 different names before getting it right, forgets stuff in plain sight, forgets things after 15 minutes on occasions and tends to lose track of time. Scares me. I have no future outside of high school, and looking at the class I am taking now, which is a CP class, I am not sure it is what I want or will want later in life. Sociology and Psychology are fun as hell, but I am trying to think what will do best say 15-20 years from now. The main thing that scares me.. is losing what friends I have here, and what close people I already have. My pops is growing weaker and more irritable, which is something he use to never worry about, something I never used to worry about.
Lemme let out some demons too. I have started smoking pot. I take a bit of Adderall from time to time, and I have started drinking a bit too. Nothing to be proud of, nothing I will be proud of. It helps quiet the loud and growing thoughts of my future, and the future of my family members - All things that seem to be negative at this point. I am scared not only of my body growing a dependency, or my body getting more immune to the high (requiring a stronger drug), but the drug dealers and people who I associate with that can possibly turn a new leaf on me and possibly kill me. I feel like a cornered dog right now, scared to move or think of making a move.
I may have made a post of who I am, but this is the life I live. This is something I need help with. This post meaning to vent out my emotions. I have stopped crying now, only down to a few sniffles. SS is my only family at this point. I cherish my moments with my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather. Same for my irl friends that I know will leave after high school.
Please leave no hate. This is just a venting process I think I needed to go through and that is important to me or anyone else who is invested in such a boring life.
